I went for a drive
by pamy
Summary: Just a line from Internal Affairs that kept me thinking. Where did Tony go that night? Tony oneshot. Please review.


"_I went for a drive" _

"_You car was blown up that morning"_

"_Company car"_

"_Where?"_

"_I needed to clear my head. I wasn't plotting a course. I was upset."_

* * *

He sat down on the cold floor. Staring at the letter. He didn't notice what was happening around him. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. She was gone. He had loved her. And he had lost. He didn't notice anything. He didn't notice ZIva leaving. He didn't hear the door close. He just sat there.

He kept staring at the letter. Memories flew through his head. He sighed. Looking up he finally realized that Ziva was gone. He didn't know how long she had been gone. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He just sat there. He doesn't know how much longer he sat there. But it was a while. After what seemed like a lifetime he got up.

He ran out the building. As if by running away as far as possible his pain would remain there. It wouldn't come with him. But it did. Wherever he turned he saw Jeanne. And he knew. He knew he had to find her. He had to talk to her. She had to know he really loved her. Because he did. He does.

And he drove. Faster then he was supposed to. But it didn't matter. He would pay all the money in the world, for just a chance to talk to her. To explain. To let her know. Right now he would choose her. He would definitely choose her. And he drove. As fast as he could. Hoping he would find her. Hoping she would listen. Hoping. And then he stopped.

Placing his head in his hands he let out a deep sigh. It didn't matter. He couldn't find her. He didn't know where she was. The note told him to choose. It did not tell him where she was going. He couldn't find her. He had no idea where she was. _Think DiNozzo. Think. She must have told you. Where would she go? Where? The hospital? No. She wouldn't go there. Like he told Ziva she didn't want to be found. Somewhere he wouldn't look. Somewhere he wouldn't think of. But if he wouldn't think of it how could he find her? Think DiNozzo. Think!_

He kept thinking. Thoughts running trough his head. And he kept coming back to the same thing. La Grenouille . He had to know where she was going. He was her father. He had to have an idea. Even if it was a small one. He had to find out. Turning the car around he speeded into the other direction. Without thinking. Just drive. Find Jeanne. Tell her you love her. Hold her in your arms. Don't think about anything else. Just drive. He stopped when he reached the marina.

He almost jumped out of his car. He ran to the boat. And then he stopped. This was a stupid idea. Not only was he about to rush into the boat of an arms dealer. He was going to do it without back-up. Without anyone knowing where he was. More importantly he had just broken his daughters heart. That could never end well. Besides. Even if he would know where she was. He would never tell him.

Slowly he walked back to his car and sat down. There was nothing he could do. He didn't know where she was going. And there was no one who could tell him. He had lost her. He had really lost her. The realization hit him hard. Even if he would choose her, how could he ever find her? He couldn't. He sat there. When he thinks about it later he doesn't know how long he sat there.

He turned the car on almost without thinking. And just drove. He didn't pay attention to where he was going. He wasn't plotting out a course. He was upset. He needed to clear his head. He just drove. On automatic pilot. He just drove. Without paying attention to where he was going. Without thinking about anything. He just wanted to clear his head. Make her disappear. Make her go away.

He didn't realize where he was going until he stopped. He got out of his car without thinking. Without paying attention to what was around him. He just walked. His legs seemed to have a will of their own. Leading him to where he wanted to be. Leading him to where he should be. Suddenly he stopped. And he knew. Deep down he had always know where he was going.

He fell down on his knees. Rain started to fall down. He stared at the stone. _Special Agent Caitlin Todd. _He sighed. He found it surreal. Impossible. That after everything she had been trough. Everything they had been trough. Everything that had happened in her life. In the end all that remains is a name. And memories. But those memories will fade. And when that happens all that will be left will be a name. And it isn't fair. It just isn't.

And he sits there. He starts to cry. For Kate. For Paula. For Jeanne. He has only been in love twice. His first love had been forbidden. Rule #12. He couldn't have her. Not without one of them being transferred. Beside. He was sure she didn't love him. It didn't matter. In the end he lost her anyway. She was killed right in front of him. Before he even got the chance to tell her.

He had never loved Paula. Not really. She was hot. She was nice. And after a while she was a great friend. But he hadn't loved her. Not like he loved Kate or Jeanne. It had been an attraction. True. It had been a great friendship. But it still hurt when she died. For them. And he had let her. He hadn't been able to safe her. Just like with Kate. Unable to safe them. It was all his fault.

And then there was Jeanne. His job. His undercover operation. He had thought he could do it. It didn't seem so hard. After all he was Anthony DiNozzo. He didn't fall in love. At first he had just thought she was cute. She was nice. She was hot. But after a while he started to feel something for her. And suddenly he realized he was in love. He had fallen hard. And in the end there had been nothing to break his fall.

He knew the director wanted him to find her father. He knew he should have backed out of the operation. But he didn't. He wanted to be close to her. Hold her. Love her. The director woke up every morning wishing La Grenouille would show up that day. He woke up every morning wishing he wouldn't. Because as long as he didn't he could hang on to Jeanne. To bad he did show up in the end.

He remembered everything about her. Her eyes. Her smile. Her lips. The way she woke up in the morning. The shocked look on her face when she found out the truth. The tears in her eyes when he told her he loved her. He shook his head. He stared at the stone. He had lost her. He had lost the person he loved. Again. And there was nothing he could do about it.

"_Oh Kate. I really screwed up. You're probably laughing with me. Because how could Playboy Tony ever fall in love? But who would think that the one time I fall in love it's an undercover operation? Or a co-worker? I mean what are the odds. I love her Kate. I just want her to come back. Just bring her back.' _He stopped talking. A long silence followed. He doesn't really know what he was expecting.

An answer from Kate? A sign she was listening to him? Jeanne suddenly appearing behind him? Anything? But nothing happened. And he just sat there. Tears rolling down his cheeks. He bowed his head. He didn't know what to do. It seemed so surreal. He was getting soaked from the rain. His hands sunk deep in the mud but he didn't notice. Everything around him seemed to fade away.

He just sat there. He didn't notice what was going on around him. Anything could have happened on that cemetery. And he wouldn't have known. He couldn't hear anything. It was like all sound had disappeared. And he remembered. He remembered things even if he didn't want to remember them.

He remembered Kate. Kate laughing at him. Kate fighting with him. Kate throwing food at him. Kate standing worried at his bed when he had the plague. Kate laughing. Kate dead on the ground. And then there was Jeanne. Her smile. Her lips. Her sent. Her hair. The climbing wand. The rose. The look on her face when he told her he loved her. Kate and Jeanne. Twice he had lost.

Hadn't once been enough? Hadn't losing Kate to a terrorist been enough. Did he have to lose Jeanne to? She wanted him to choose. But how could he. He loved her. He wanted to be with her. He wanted her by his side. But how could he leave his team? The only family he had ever known? How would he ever get trough the day without Gibbs slapping him? Without Ducky's stories? Without Abby hugging him? Without Ziva? He couldn't.

Why couldn't he just have the two things? Why couldn't he just have Jeanne and his team? Why did it have to be the one or the other? Why? Why didn't he say no when the director asked him to go under cover? Why didn't he take that team in Spain? He wouldn't be sitting here right now if he had. He wouldn't have to choose. But if he had he would have never known her. He would have never hold her. He would have never loved her.

He heard somewhere, he can't really remember where, that it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. However had said that was a big idiot. Because the pain he was feeling wasn't really worded was it? He looked at the stone again. Maybe it was. If he had never joined NCIS he would have never known Kate. He would have never known love.

If he had taken that team in Spain he wouldn't have known Jeanne. He wouldn't have loved her, even if it was for a short while. He wouldn't have been there for Paula when she needed him. He shook his head. Maybe however had said that had a point. If he hadn't been here, he would have never known. He would have never loved. But it still hurt.

He has no idea how long he sat there. He just did. After hours it stopped raining. That's when he got back up and walked to his car. On auto pilot. All he thought of was Jeanne. He got into his car and drove back to DC. And he drove. He didn't know where he was going. He just drove. He past his apartment. And then her apartment. And he kept driving. Without noticing everything around him. He doesn't know how he didn't hit anyone. But he didn't.

Suddenly he stopped. He sighed. He knew all along. He knew that somehow tonight he would end up here. At his boss house. He shook his head. He kept staring at the door. Would he care? Would he let him in? After everything that had happened? After lying to him for months? He didn't know. He kept staring at the door. He didn't know what to do.

He sat there for hours. He almost froze to dead. He doesn't really know what happened next. But somehow he woke up the next morning on his boss couch. On the table in front of him stood a cup of coffee. A blanket had been laid on him. And if he still thought at that moment that his boss didn't care it soon disappeared. Because sitting on a chair next to couch was his boss. Watching over him.

* * *

But he couldn't tell Fornell any of that. He couldn't tell him he went to Kate's grave. Nobody had been there to see him. And the dead didn't talk. It wasn't a good alibi. Not if he also mentioned the fact that he had in fact been at the marina. And he had only showed up at his boss house early in the morning. So that wouldn't help either. So he said nothing.

'_I needed to clear my head. I wasn't plotting out a course. I was upset.'_

Upset. It had only been one of the things he was feeling. He had thought that after time passed the feelings would fade. The pain would disappear. But it didn't. He still loved her. But nobody knew. Because he was good in hiding things. He was good in making them think he was happy when he wasn't. And everybody bought it.

Right now he felt anger. Regret. Pain. But he couldn't tell Fornell. He couldn't tell him where he went or how he got there. He wasn't even sure himself. So if anyone ever asked him he would tell them the same thing.

'_I went for a drive.'_


End file.
